So many seasons have passed since you left. It doesn’t feel real that so much time has slipped away, if I were to count it on my fingers. It’s no longer the darkness and silence that greet me when I return home that sadden me the most, but rather the fact that I’ve grown so accustomed to them.
You were always there to welcome me home, your eyes only on me.
Even if I was just popping out to the convenience store for a beer, you would greet me as if I were a traveler returning from a long journey abroad. If I was out for a bit longer than usual, you would welcome me back as if the country had gained its independence, warming my heart. If only everyone could greet each other with such genuine joy. It was through you that I learned that simply expressing sincere welcome can deeply touch a person’s heart.
You were always there to welcome me home, your eyes only on me.
You never complained. Whether it was a big house or a small one, a fancy car or a clunker, as long as I was by your side, you were always happy. Whether I had a 100,000 won haircut or looked like a mess with long, greasy hair, you would just look at me and smile. As if my presence alone was all that mattered. As if nothing else mattered. Even when I had you by my side but felt a void in my heart, wondering whether to order chicken or pork, you would look up at me with your eyes and ask me what was wrong, if I was okay, and if I wanted to play. Even without food, you were happy as long as you could play with me. You made me feel ashamed of myself for feeling empty even when I had family, friends, and a lover, with your unconditional love and attention.
Chicken bones, chocolate, grapes.
You would happily run towards these things that were sweet to the taste but deadly if eaten, with such joy. I couldn’t teach you that these things were momentarily enjoyable but ultimately harmful, so all I could do was keep them out of your reach. But because of you, I began to reflect on myself. Was I also living for things that were superficially sweet but ultimately harmful? If I tried, could I control my desires for these harmful things, or was I destined to die from them someday unless someone else forcibly separated me from them, just like you? I wondered if I was also a being who wanted to hump dolls, towels, the legs of strangers, or anything else, just like you.
Perhaps I will never see you again.
But I will never forget you. You were a gift just by existing. And I won’t forget the things you taught me. That people should greet each other sincerely. That we can be happy with a loved one by our side, regardless of our material possessions. That we should always be wary of things that offer temporary sweetness. Perhaps you were sent by God to convey his message to me. Maybe you were sent to me like an angel to teach me about love, companionship, and God’s compassion for humanity. I feel this more and more as time goes by.
Someday, if I meet God, I’ll ask him to give you back to me.
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